i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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