I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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