I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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