Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
