Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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