If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
