good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
