cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
