two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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