Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
