last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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