Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
