I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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