I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
