my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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