Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
