can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
