I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
