When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
