Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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