At least make sure they are 18
Why
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
