so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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