grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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