Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Are my feet made of real feet?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
not ubering you a puppy
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
