I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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