I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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