woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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