If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
