Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
i believe in u and ur pee
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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