i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
