In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
