i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
