I skipped work to stalk him.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
