I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
