Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
