At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
