I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
