I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
