i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
