If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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