my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
