I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
you would pick up someone in the library
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
