Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Randomize
