Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
