Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
