omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
