I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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