Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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