Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
