I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
